Do women secretly want to see violent men?

Sexual violence in a partnership


The myth of conjugal duties

Very few of those affected are aware that they are also victims of sexual violence as part of their abusive relationship. Sexual violence is usually associated with rape. Sexual violence actually starts much earlier: with sexual pressure and / or the instrumentalization of sexuality to legitimize psychological and verbal abuse.

Over the years we have been confronted again and again in the forum with the fact that those affected had to struggle with the consequences of this - often unrecognized - form of sexual violence over a long period of time. The following text is based on your experience.

This is a scheme that works on many, but not on all Abuse relationships apply.


At first: the hyperlative honeymoon, even in bed

Most abusive relationships start with a hyperlative honeymoon. Kindred spirits! Immense idealization! You have never felt so dearly loved and desired by a man. Romantic dinners full of pleasure, intense conversations, compliments. Sexuality is celebrated. Extensive foreplay, consideration, concentration on your lust. Many sufferers describe their abuser as a great lover even after the breakup. - At least in the beginning.

At this stage, many couples would prefer not to get out of bed. Both are constantly in the mood for each other.


Simplified basic assumptions about gender differences in sexuality

The following two comparisons are oversimplified and, of course, do not apply to all people.

Women and men seem to have different attitudes towards sexuality: women need closeness in order to be able to have sex. Men need sex to be able to establish closeness.

In addition, men can and (supposedly) almost always want to have sex. (This basic assumption leads to "erectile dysfunction" in many men and has brought Pfizer (Viagra) immense profits). Sex builds them up and relieves pressure.

Women usually need a basic sense of wellbeing in order to be able to have sex.

Men can relieve internal pressure and tension through sex; women are often unable to develop pleasure when they are under internal pressure and tension.

The fact that a person's devotion is a gift that cannot be demanded but that both partners should strive again and again and duly appreciate this gift has unfortunately not yet reached many people's minds.


Everyday life creeps in, she has to continue the honeymoon in bed

The togetherness slowly develops into togetherness and / or side by side. This also applies to normal relationships.

However, many abusers expect the victim to sustain the initial sexual fireworks. Increases are often expected. Many sufferers report that their "partners" expressed increasingly unusual sexual desires, or expected the person concerned to behave in a more provocative manner.

Put simply: while he was lying on the couch in sweatpants, she should walk around the apartment in high heels, stockings and miniskirt, made up and dressed up.

He no longer advertises her, the romantic dinners turned into sandwiches in front of the television. While he is watching his action film, she has to sit silently next to it. If the Lord deigns to go to bed at some point, of course - if he feels like it - she has to meet his needs.

Side effect: You should continue to show him that he is the hero / her prince, although he does not behave as such.


It has to work at the push of a button. Mechanical stroking and clumsy grabbing as the "ON button"

The further the abuse relationship progresses, the less efforts of the "partner" to dispose of it. There is hardly any “foreplay” anymore, rather clumsy approaches: grab your chest or buttocks, grab your hand directly in your crotch, clumsy verbal approaches.

Many of those affected report "mechanical, loveless pseudo-stroking". There is no attention to the woman here, rather one and the same part of the body is mechanically rubbed up and down, which often leads to over-stimulation of the skin areas. The result: painful skin instead of eroticism.

The abuser naturally expects the victim to be put in a pleasurable mood by these attempts at animation and to become intimate with him.


Sexuality as a basic right

Many people regard sexuality as a fundamental right in a partnership that must be fulfilled by the other person, regardless of how the relationship is otherwise. It is not for nothing that the phrase “conjugal duties” exists.

This attitude is found in almost all abusers. Exception: those abusers who deprive their "partner" of sexuality.


Surrender despite abuse, seal of submission

In the “classic course” of an abusive relationship, psychological and verbal violence are now the order of the day. Nevertheless, the abuser expects the person concerned to continue to fulfill her “partnership duty” despite “difficulties in the partnership” and to be sexually at his will.

Here an essential difference between women and men comes into play: Women need closeness and security in order to be able to open up to their partner sexually and to be able to indulge in lust. "Reconciliation sex" can only take place if a reconciliation has actually taken place. The structure of maltreatment relationships, however, usually excludes reconciliation. Although the abuser initially “apologizes” for one or the other remark, real clarification (including sincere repentance, assumption of responsibility and kept promise that this behavior will not occur again) does not take place.

The person affected is now in an extreme mess. Your “partner” continues to expect regular sexuality. She has a justified fear that even more frustrations will discharge over her if she does not meet this requirement. At the same time, consenting to the “wishes” of the “partner” meant implicit acceptance of the abuse qua devotion despite the violence suffered. Your devotion would signal "I am still yours, although you torture and abuse me".

It is precisely this implicit message that the abuser is looking for.

The person concerned must therefore, if she wants to maintain the "relationship", force herself to comply with her sexual desires, she must rape herself. Because even if the mind is already clouded and the will is broken, the libido and the sexual integrity of those affected are often a last bastion of inner resistance that the affected person must forcefully overcome himself.

In this respect, “normal” sexuality can also have a traumatizing effect within an abusive relationship. If victims force themselves to be intimate with the abuser out of fear of further sanctions, the abuser’s manifest power and violence in the sexual act that the victim forces himself to are sealed.

Of course, this sealing has to be done “with relish” with complete surrender in order to avoid further frustrations of the abuser. otherwise the abuser is frustrated. A “rigid toleration” clearly conveyed that she did not experience the act as pleasurable. This would have the consequence that he felt offended in his lover qualities. This perceived hurt is often compensated by devaluation: "You lie there like a cold fish.", "I can also fuck a corpse.", "You are the boring woman I have ever had in bed." - Often associated with the (un) pronounced threat that he would be otherwise “cared for”.

So it is not enough to endure the actually unbearable sexuality, the person affected has to lie to herself and her body: a betrayal of oneself with often devastating consequences.

In this situation, many sufferers resort to substance abuse (e.g. with a few glasses of wine or Prosecco) in order to be able to endure the tormenting sexuality better.


Shame: The "frigid woman", the "poor starved man"

The porn industry has contributed significantly to the fact that men are given a dream / illusion of women who are constantly "lust" and answer any sexual activity of the man with loud cheering.

If a woman does not fulfill this cliché, she quickly becomes attached to the stigma of being "frigid". Your “partner” will then be regretted as a “starved poor devil that his wife won't let”.

Many men take advantage of this tendency. They make "jokes" in front of other people about the fact that their wife only lets them "run" once a week, saying that he has probably not given her sufficiently large presents for too long - and thereby embarrasses their partner several times: their intimate life becomes the subject of public and embarrassing "jokes", she is accused in front of outsiders of not fulfilling her "relationship obligations", she is branded as a "frigid bitch" who "punishes and / or tries to manipulate" by "refusing to sex". Since the "witnesses" usually do not know anything about the abuse, both of them get pitiful looks. - Or ashamed of others.

So the person concerned comes under increasing pressure.


The killing argument: refusal of the woman legitimizes "frustration" and abuse

The abuser expects the victim all his sexual desires and advances committed and enthusiastic (shouting and exulting so that he feels confirmed and his relationship is confirmed). Often these demands are gradually increased. More sex, more passionate sex, more fancy practices, etc.

If the person concerned “refuses”, the abuser is offended / frustrated. He is not able to keep his frustration out, but discharges it over the person concerned. Therefore, many affected respond with "hasty obedience". You develop a keen sense of the mood of your "partner". If this threatens to tip over, sex will bring them back to a more secure place. Almost all those affected have made the experience that a “no” will have massive consequences in the following days at the latest.

The price of every “no” is high: the abuser begins to legitimize his negative behavior by frustrating him sexually. "I'm so loaded because you never sleep with me". "Of course I'm in a bad mood, I don't get sex from my partner". "We wouldn't fight as often if we had regular sex".

With this "argument" he can now nip any discussion about his abuse in the bud. Many abusers play this card over and over again. If the victim wants to talk about her injuries from the abuse, he can use it to silence her. Worse still, he can turn any conversation around in his favor, as she is “guilty of him” by denying his “fundamental right”.

This "homicide argument" is being put forward with increasing frequency and urgency. It is not uncommon for the person affected to "take over" it and in the course of the process actually experience himself as the cause of his abuse, among other things because she does not give him enough or insufficiently good sex.



If the “no” of those affected accumulate, many abusers start threatening to turn to another woman. There are of course a large number of female candidates. Often different women are listed here who have already tried to flirt with him intimately.

Since the self-esteem of those affected now shows clear traces of the abuse and they are also ruled by the fear of being abandoned by the abuser, such a verbal threat feels existence-threatening and often leads to consent (see: Self-rape).

At the same time, many of those affected begin to perceive every woman around their "partner" as a competitor and a threat. Jealousy develops or increases.


Seize every opportunity!

The “partner” mostly only perceives his “starvation”. He's driven to finally get sex from her. The affected person feels the pressure. At the same time, the person concerned wants closeness, comfort and a feeling of security. She wishes to be hugged and comforted by her partner, often even after arguments with the "partner".

He often only perceives physical contact and sees an opportunity to “finally have sex”. In this respect, physical contact is sexualised increasingly quickly. A comforting hug turns into an advances in a matter of minutes. The same applies to "cuddling while watching TV together".

Instead of receiving consolation and security, the person concerned is thereby brought into the situation of either giving the “partner” what he wants (sex) or stopping his sexual approach. No matter how she chooses, her need for comforting closeness will not be met. If she stops his advances, he has another reason to attack her and reproach her for shaming her.

This often leads to the fact that the person concerned increasingly avoids any physical closeness in order not to be put in a position to have to say “no” and then to endure the sanctions for her “refusal”.

A similar mechanism takes effect when the person concerned has gotten ready for an occasion or is in a good mood. The abuser senses the chance of sex and approaches with a corresponding intention.

Consequence: The person concerned begins (often unconsciously) to switch off these "signal stimuli" as well, she virtually wraps herself in "sackcloth" and tries not to appear "in a good mood" in order to prevent sexual advances in the first place . Long-term consequence: the victim makes look unattractive, becomes therefore unattractive and receives even less positive reflection from the rest of the environment.


Sadistic Practices - Sexuality that is NOT BDSM

BDSM, often known as SM / Sado-Masochism, is basically a variety of sexuality that can represent a pleasurable expansion of sexuality in a healthy relationship between consensual partners with corresponding inclinations. Probably the most important maxim of BDSM is: SSC - safe, sane, consensual. Safe, (mentally) healthy, consensual.

Sadomasochistic sexual practices in an abusive relationship are usually based on this maxim. Not fair: "Safe" includes the clear stipulation and adherence to boundaries and the use of a safe word, when uttered the "game" is stopped immediately. “Healthy” implies that none of the participants is psychologically harmed by the “game”. Consent requires the parties involved with pleasure and take part in the "game" for your own pleasure.

In particular, many abusers shamelessly exploit the inexperience and / or good faith of young people affected in order to impose their sexual inclinations on them. These young women are taught that what he is doing is “normal”, that they may be too inexperienced, too stupid or too frigid to benefit from it. If the partner does not give in to the urge, sanctions follow (“punishment”) and / or the relationship is threatened with breaking off.

These men are not responsible dominants with a sadistic expression, but dangerous real sadists who would be ostracized in the regular BDSM scene. This blow to people transfers their own psychological and / or physical tendency to violence to a pseudosexual level and thereby causes immense damage.

Women who have been victims of this category of sexual offenders urgently need appropriately trained / specialized psychotherapeutic treatment. You struggle with immense shame.


Rape and sexual assault

“Rape is a crime and not an aggressive expression of sexuality. It is an extreme form of male exercise of power and violence (...) Especially in cases in which the victim knows the perpetrator well, the victims are unsure whether what they have experienced is actually an injustice and a criminal offense and what legal options they have. "

Contrary to popular beliefs and corresponding idioms (“marital duties”), it belongs Not One of the duties of a woman / girlfriend / wife is to surrender.A “partner” also does not have the right to sexually assault a sleeping partner. This is also rape and therefore a criminal offense.

Victims of psychological and / or physical violence often react to rape and / or sexual coercion "allegedly paradoxically": they do not defend themselves because the shock is too great or because they dissociate out of habit. Many of those affected participate unintentionally, out of fear, shame, due to the great pressure on the part of their partner, out of ignorance, due to previous trauma due to violence they have already suffered or because they cannot / do not want to realize what the man they actually love is actually doing to them.

Affected people who are victims of sexual assault / rape in their “partnership” can find a lot of information on the above-mentioned website on how to deal with this offense.


Consequences and effects of all sexual violence

The majority of those affected experience a “sexual ice age” after the separation. Sexuality has not only lost its appeal, it has a negative connotation. Fear and frustration instead of vitality and lust. Often this leads to problems in later relationships.

These women were massively shamed and injured in their sexual integrity.

The effects of longstanding subtle or overt sexual violence are similar to those experienced by people who were exposed to sexual violence as children.

An extensive representative study of intimate partner violence in Germany shows that sexual violence in particular can have a massive impact on the life situation of victims and that it is therefore advisable to seek psychological help.


Book recommendations

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Trust life again



Brief description: It is important for survivors of sexual violence to understand the symptoms of their trauma and to develop strategies of self-help in order to stabilize themselves in times of crisis. Affected women often suffer from anxiety disorders, compulsions, depression, eating disorders or are suicidal even decades after the trauma.

Ellen Spangenberg provides comprehensive information about the consequences of sexual violence, names the latest treatment options and teaches tried and tested methods for self-help. A book that does not replace therapy, but which helps affected women on their healing path. Live with pleasure in spite of everything The guide for affected women Comprehensive description of symptoms and self-help strategies A manual with numerous exercises


About the author [Note: Author!]: Ellen Spangenberg works as a doctor and psychotherapist in her own practice with sexually traumatized women. For many years she worked in specialist clinics for trauma therapy; today she leads seminars in the field of psychotraumatology.Source: Amazon



Unfortunately, this book is no longer published, but is available in many libraries via interlibrary loan.

The author of this psychologically sound book views sexual healing as the cornerstone of mental and physical health for survivors of sexual violence. Staci Haines shows how women can free themselves step by step from the trauma they have experienced and find a self-determined sexuality. It offers a wealth of information, advice and exercises that can help to regain your own body - and your own life.

Source: Amazon

In spite of everything!

Step by step, the authors of this manual point out situations that often seem hopeless. They illustrate the process of healing from the consequences of child sexual abuse in an understandable way: starting with doubting whether it really happened, to confronting the perpetrator and family, and changing self-hindering behavior. This book does not gloss over, yet it does show that women can cope with the consequences of child sexual abuse, each in their own way.

Inventory: the consequences of sexual abuse. Healing process: dealing with silence, feelings of guilt, grief and anger. Change behavioral patterns: Assistance in changing self-hindering behavioral patterns, e.g. in relation to body and sexuality, trust and closeness, self-esteem, dealing with the family. Advice for friends, partners, family members, counselors and therapists. Further information: Therapy and self-help groups, addresses and bibliography. Source: Amazon

Although this book is aimed at women who experienced sexual violence as children, several chapters are also helpful for women who have been exposed to sexual violence as part of an abusive relationship.