Should I stop talking about my feelings?

At this point, you should stop talking about your old relationship

“The best thing about being single is that you finally have time for friends again.” This is how an episode of Sex and the City. But what Carrie calls time for friends, the friends themselves understand very differently. Because it's all about Carrie's ex, Big.

“I'm sorry for him, I'm really sorry for him. I was the best thing that ever happened to him. ”Carrie's friends are slowly rolling their eyes. “I am smart. I'm funny. I was the abracadabra. I was the magic in the relationship. "Carrie's friends have had enough:" You only talk about big and very honestly: We can no longer. "

Classic situation

The beauty of Sex and the City is that the series found scenes so archetypal that we almost all recognize them immediately. As mentioned above: A friend is single again and can't stop talking about the ex. These monologues are of course granted to those who have just separated. The fact that a lot has to be dealt with after the end of a relationship is considered a given. As a friend you know that, you oil your ears and you listen. The same stories and questions over and over again and patting the back of the hand in the hope that time will do what it does best: heal wounds.

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But sometimes the ex-stories never end and time doesn't seem to heal anything. What's going on there? Especially when there has been a new relationship for a long time and the old relationship still creeps into many conversations.

Processing through ex stories

Couples therapist Christine Geschke describes these conversations as part of processing: “You think about it afterwards, the experience is processed. The processing becomes visible through speaking. That's perfectly fine too. “But sometimes there is no end to speaking. An indication that the processing did not work well: "If agonizing topics keep coming up, it can make sense to seek professional help."

Incidentally, this is also something that Carrie's friends recommend. She says: “But I don't need a therapist, I have you guys.” “But only for ten minutes, then we'll turn you off. Cold withdrawal. ”And Carrie goes to a therapist.

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But even if professional help is not required, support from friends can help. Because often enough, those affected do not even notice how extensively they are still talking about the ex-relationship.

Like my friend Laura, who recently told me very proudly that she had already processed the separation from Lars so wonderfully. She wouldn't even think about congratulating him on his birthday and the letter on her anniversary, which she would have simply written out of an old bond and the photos from the last vacation together, well, she would have looked at them again, but otherwise let him simply disappear from her life: "It's crazy that I don't even think about him anymore, right?" "But you talk about him all the time!"

Problem for the new relationship

Of course, the friends are not the main problem. Rather, it is the new partner who may not be happy with the warmed-up stories from the past. Christine Geschke therefore suggests to draw the partner's attention to such behavior: “If the partner keeps talking about the old relationship, that is also informative. You can find out what bothered him, what was important to him or how he dealt with feelings. But if the ex is hyped all the time, it becomes insulting and uncomfortable. Then the new partner stands in the shadow of the old one and cannot develop freely. "

Because constant fire from ex-stories can also be an indication that in the old relationship there was not enough talk: “Suppression always works well. Anyone who deals with problems would have to act, confront them, hold conversations - if that has not happened and the relationship has broken up, it can make preventive sense to look back at the old relationship and look back on it learn."

Time to quit

Learning is always good, too, but those who complain too much about the old relationship also make themselves suspicious: In the past there was so little passion, so little commitment, constant problems and hardly ever being in love. At least that's how Laura talks about Lars. Geschke explains that if you keep making the ex-relationship bad, you are exerting subtle pressure on the new relationship. “Now you finally want to be made happy! But pressure is always counterproductive. "

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Sure, it is okay to inform the new partner about injuries and ask for consideration, says the couple therapist, but the new partnership should not be misused as a therapeutic aid. The processing of the old relationship does not belong in the new relationship.

So when should you stop talking about the ex-relationship? If it has been like this for a few months, the tip can come off Sex and the City help: “You still have ten minutes. But then it's over. "